Many oft-quoted expressions have a ring of truth about them, and so we accept them as right without stopping to ponder or interrogate them.

So it is with the title of this blog, which I’m sure 80% of you could complete with ‘…your unhappiest child’.

You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child. This quote expresses the empathy, emotional investment and worry associated with raising children. I’ve heard it often and even occasionally said it myself, but lately a sense of resistance has crept into me as I thought of these words.

Unnecessary Pressure on Parents

Parenting is difficult and often times confusing. If you’re anything like me you probably cycle through a range of emotions, including doubt and guilt that you’re not doing it ‘right’. Added to our inner turmoil, we now have pithy statements telling us that our emotional wellbeing is linked to the success and happiness of our children. The unspoken implication is that ‘good’ parents have a deep emotional connection with their children, while ‘bad’ parents don’t care enough to be affected by their children’s wellbeing.

As a parent of a young adult with mental health struggles, I am slowly learning that my emotional wellbeing does not need to depend on hers. I love my daughter, and I want the absolute best for her. It’s true that I’ve had countless early morning wake-ups worrying about her. At times, I honestly have felt as unhappy, and possibly even unhappier than she did.

But I’m on a slow journey—two steps forward, three steps back—of discovering how to nurture my own physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing, apart from what is happening in my daughter’s life. Even as I write those words, they sound callous to me, and I feel again the implied judgement at the core of the ‘You’re only as happy…’ statement: What kind of parent can be happy when their child isn’t?

Unnecessary Pressure on Children

I was rather delighted to have my sentiment towards the expression validated by one of my favourite authors, John Ortberg. In an interview with John Mark Comer, he answered a father’s question in the audience, by quoting the ‘You’re only as happy…” statement. He followed it with the words, “I vehemently disagree with that phrase.”

Vehemently disagree! That’s an even stronger resistance than I felt myself!

Ortberg went on to explain, “I do not think it helps our children when we place our wellbeing as parents on the shoulders of the choices that they make. That is not a gift to them.”

I sensed the wisdom in his words—it’s a heavy thing to carry the wellbeing of another on one’s shoulders.

Ortberg’s final words gave me a little more direction on my journey of nurturing my own wellbeing: “If my child goes down a path that I wish they were not on, there will be pain if I love them—that’s part of being a parent. But we need to find a way to embrace life and have joy as well as pain.”

The Tension in Parenting

Find a way to embrace life and have joy as well as pain. Now there, I thought, is a pithy statement worthy of some reflection! I’ve been a parent for almost 30 years. Years full of laughter, adventure, wonder and tender moments. And, at times, years full of angst, uncertainty, discouragement and even despair. I think as parents we can all relate to these seasons of shine and shadow, of joy and pain.

But Ortberg’s statement goes beyond describing the highs and lows of parenting. It calls us to courageously embrace life, and find joy right in the middle of the pain. It rejects the idea that I need to be unhappy if my child is unhappy. It affirms that I don’t stop caring about my child’s struggles, but that I do choose to seek joy and peace despite them.

And, I suspect, that nurturing my own wellbeing, is ultimately one of the best things I can do for my children.

A Prayer that’s Helped me on my Journey

As a Christ follower, I draw comfort in knowing that he guides me on this parenting journey. Recently, I sensed him reminding me of the Serenity Prayer and I’ve started praying this, particularly with regards to my parenting. I leave these rich words for you to meditate on as you navigate your own parenting or other challenging journey:

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen